I’ve been wanting to write this for a long time but my life has never given me the opportunity to do so until now. This is my story of how I became one of the most popular model photographer among the Asian community to how I’ve completely removed myself from my past indulgent and destructive lifestyle.
Growing up I was never popular for my social skills or fashion sense, in fact I was the most awkward kid. I wore ugly clothes carried over from Taiwan or over sized Costco selections, and had little knowledge of good hygiene. I was always the wallflower at parties with extremely low self esteem that would drive me to the corner and wish someone would say hi to me. On the flip side, I was gifted with an artistic talent, most likely passed down by my grandfather. Everyone at school knew I was the best artist, and I embraced that title with open arms.
From elementary school through college, everyone appreciated me for my talent, and wanted what I could offer them, from drawing to websites and eventually photography in college. As I got more into taking photos of people, the attention that I got from photographing attractive women either from the models themselves or from all of my audiences that praised me became a social drug/addiction. Talk about kids who are obsessed with “likes,” I was just as guilty of obsessing over “eprops” back in 2003.
Taking portraits of pretty women isn’t a bad thing to be great at, however as my insecurities continued behind the camera, I wanted to prove more of myself and show everyone else that I was better than them. This intensity to be the best came from a bad source, a place of wanting to be envied. It was easy to hide behind a great picture and let everyone send me praise. After a while, a pretty portrait became boring and I needed more intensity that got me more attention and notoriety. Making photos more sexy was the easiest way, after all, sexy sells right?
I started taking sexy photos not much later than I had started modeling photography, and the more I looked at women the more I became desensitized to it, which meant wanting more erotic and perverse poses and content. I started doing everything for my own pleasure, not truly respecting the women I photographed, nor did I care about any relationships they were in or if their family might run into the photos. I selfishly wanted to post everything for the world to see what I was capable of. I posted many photos out of spite to the world which I felt displaced in. I was fueled by a lot of anger and resentment. Maybe these feelings weren’t so far from those who commit gun violence today.
This addiction I had was easily fueled thanks to the Internet and social media, which I consumed for over 12 years without any consequences to my actions. I was free as a bird, no significant other to please or feelings to worry about. When others look at my life on social media, it really did look like the ultimate bachelor’s lifestyle. Women, travel, and cars. That was exactly what I wanted other people to see. In reality, it was lonely and I was always wondering who was the next hottest girl that could fulfill my desire to be liked or envied. They were transactions, splurging on the women so they can model for me. Money for sex, basically. It was a never ending cycle that did more harm than good in terms of my relationship with women. I would argue that a lot of women desire sexy photos of themselves for the exact same reason, self reassurance and needing to be fulfilled somehow, unfortunately it just isn’t the healthiest way to gain it.
Later in my years through a few roadblocks in my life I realized I needed to stop this addiction of surviving on social media attention and women wanting me for my photography skills. I had always promised myself that one day I would only photograph my wife when I got married. I was still a hopeless romantic at heart, however I never felt like I had a chance or reason to stop, so I kept doing what I was good at. The tug in my soul wasn’t strong enough to break me free. There was nobody to fight for. Addictions are impossible to tackle alone.
I am thankful for all of my true friends who weren’t drawn to me because of the women I photographed, rather because they enjoyed my time and personality and never needed to have conversations about who the next model I would be shooting or where I would be flying to. They lived in the moment with me. One day I met a beautiful girl who I could truly feel wanting to spend time with a nerd like me, listen to my life stories and wanted to always make me feel better. A long journey started with her and the Universe made it inevitable for us to be together through all the ups and downs. Throughout our friendship and through our recent marriage, most of the issues that were fought over were about my past. Being single for my entire life didn’t help when dealing with the first girlfriend that I also fell in love with. While the intimate photography wasn’t easy to give up, it took some significant arguments for me to realize how much these photos can hurt someone and the relationships they’re in. I’ve always wanted to make the world a better place, not the other way around.
The actual photos weren’t the only hurtful reminders of my past life. The stories behind the photos were just as significant. All the gifts, dinners, flights that I offered to women would make any one person feel insignificant, small and unimportant. There lies the deeper issues than just some sexy photos, and I never felt them until I lived through someone else’s shoes. I never want her to feel second place ever again.
Once I began to realize how a decade of my actions were destructive to me and my relationship, I started taking steps to move forward and start a new and healthy lifestyle. It was only possible with the encouragement of my significant other who loved me enough to tell me I can be strong. I had to learn that her feelings were more important than that of the women I’ve photographed and the rest of the world. I removed my Instagram account of 15,000 followers. I removed all previous model blog posts. I deleted my Facebook modeling page, and I deleted my archive of all women I’ve photographed intimately. I can just hear thousands of male hearts melting. I did all of this with no regrets because I am filled so deep with the true love and affection from the only woman that I will ever want it from, my wife Olya.
I write this to all of my readers proudly and encouragingly. Please learn to respect everyone around you, be kind and have courage. Now I can truly move forward and make the world a better place.
A final note to the women in my past: May your current and future relationships be genuine, healthy, and honest. While I will no longer contact you or provide professional services to you, I will still give you my respect and I urge you to do the same for me, my wife, and my relationship.